Anxiety; and Desperation

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It's currently past midnight and I am feeling despair. 
For no reason, I woke up from what supposed to be a long sleepful night.

With nothing to do at 1 AM, I scrolled through my past massages on Instagram,
Looking through all the people I have encountered for the past 3 years of my life in the big city.

Found plenty of my interesting self. Different parts of me that I left hiden and tucked away over the course of 3 years.
Found plenty of mischiefs that I just patterned out. Patterns of me being despair. 
Found plenty of interesting men I talked to and somehow lost connection or contact.
Found plenty of stupid ideas, moments and conversations I somehow start and continue but never end.
Found plenty of little essence of me in each and every one of the conversations.

I somehow never change? or did I?
Part of me still relates to those conversations.
Part of me still somehow found myself in those conversations from lots to little. 

I believe I evolved, I am not that me 3 years ago but of course, evolved doesn't mean changed. 
I am still who I am. Maybe better or worse in somewhat of ways. 


I don't know why but there are days when I feel like "there is nothing in this world can make me feel good about myself." And that is today. 
Currently, it is 1:30 AM. 30 minutes past and I still feel invalidated. I feel like shit. 

I feel despair, why am I filled with desperation?
Why do I need such needs? Why is this even a thing in my head.
There are way better things I should be stressing about.
But here I am.

Even with reassurance from people I still need more.
But why? and from who? I do not know.
Will I ever find satisfaction? I do not know.

To all my readers, I hope this secret satellite finds you well.
I hope when it reaches you, it can fill you with reliability and comfort. 
Just letting you know, I too feel despair and we will get through this together somehow.

If you ever be in this situation right now just believe they are better days,
And you can count the stars for it.
And you can trust the moon for it.
The planets are my witnesses.

Love, 
Yourself

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