Anxiety; insecurity ruin my relationship

So I just got a boyfriend.
it's a miracle I know and I don't know how it happened.
It just happened.

Looking back at all the stories I wrote about love and so on, I feel so weird.
I don't know how to explain but this is just something I have been looking forward to.
And how when I have it, it's great.

credit: Nickels

So yes everything is going well so far,
I am handling all of my issues better than I thought.

The depression comes and goes like aways but I manage to pull myself out of the blue when the water comes high.
Although there is day went my mood swing went crazy and he didn't really know how to deal with it.

But I look at it this way.
My mental health, my problem.
I shouldn't depend on my boyfriend to make me feel better,
And my boyfriend should not feel likes he needs to make me feel better.

Depression is weird, but I am coping well with it as I always have.
The mood swings are crazy but that is just how it is and we both are handling that well also.

But when it comes to anxiety, that is a whole other universe.
I don't think he quite understands how it works, but guys we can't blame him because we don't even know how our anxiety works too.

And he also has anxiety but not as high as me so that's also something putting him behind where I am already at the finish line.

My anxiety is complicated.
I can't blame anyone.

So whenever he talks about his past relationships, I just get this feeling of not jealousy but self-doubt.
I feel bad about myself, I start questioning myself whether I am worthy, whether I am enough.
I start comparing myself to his past partners, thinking I am shit and they are just way better that's why the found them first, I am like his last choice.

It builds up my insecurity, I feel ashamed.
Ashamed of myself.

But I am trying my best to cope with it and that's what matters.
I am trying my best to tell myself it's okay.
I am just trying my best.

If you are experiencing the same issue as me please know you are not alone.
We all have our battle to fight, I am battling my depression but still anxiety.
One day I will be able to say I have battled both.
I have won both wars.

One day we all will be okay.
Live to see that day.

Love,
Yourself.

From this internet friend.