Anxiety; The ideal of being alone.

Growing up in an Asian family and being gay, you don't really have a lot of close friends.

You were just constantly being bash out at for being gay.
And the "conservative Asian household" environment does not help as well.

So throughout your life, you crave for love, affection, and attention.
Befriending everyone just so they could keep you comfort because you didn't get it for the past 16years of your life.

Call me an attention whore but I am.

IC; Real Simple

With the past that I still can not get over it made me

afraid of being alone

I find being alone is the scariest and worst thing ever and never would I want that.
With that mindset, it didn't take me anywhere good.

I stay with toxic people, I fake myself and I died so I would be surrounded by people.
Even if they don't really like me, just the idea of it helps me cope with my issues.

And I became clingy, never will I let go of someone.
Well, not that easy for sure.

I just want people to like me

Which made me being selfless, I would do anything, a n y t h i n g just so that he would stay with me.
Because no I can never be alone, I hate it, I don't want to experience it.

With that attitude, I got into relationship, dates and loves with the wrong people.

You are just so desperate

But how could you not when 16 years of your life, since you were born people tell you to die alone nobody would ever want to be with you because you're an abomination.

And I just wanted to be loved

After my 1st relationship, I kept going on dates, dating people, dating everyone I could find so I wouldn't be alone.
It hurts a lot.
Being it that state in life was horrible.
Abusive relationship, toxic relationship, one-sided relationship, I got into all of that so I wouldn't be alone.

It took me all of that kind of relationship and 1 year to realize,

I can love myself and enjoy my own company, I am not alone.

Currently, I'm closing myself off with the idea of being alone in another perspective :)

Some of us took longer than others but it  is never too late to love yourself.
It's not easy, but you went through all of this so that one day you could realize, I love myself.

I used to hate the idea of being alone but never was I alone.
There was always me being with me and you being with you.
And this friend on the internet is also with you, sending out his secret satellite, he hopes you receive it.
Love,
Yourself.

Thank you.