Depression; lying to people that I'm okay

I sometimes forgot that I am lying to people.
Because I am so used to say I'm "Okay"
Because I don't want to sound weak or dramatic
Because I don't want be a victim, I want to be strong.

IC: chipaitsme_

There was a lot on my head for the past days and I have been emotionally everywhere.
Lost between space and time.
Lost between places and people.

There was a lot to process.
And I tried my best to process.

She asked me "Are you okay?"
I told her "Yea yea, I'm just a little bit hungover that's all"
And she said "From last night? it's the afternoon now, you seem not in the moment"
I said "yea I know, I seem high and shit but im just hungover"

I was hungover, but more of having a depression episode because of all the thing that is happening, all of the question I have asked myself for the past days because I thought it was a good idea to self-reflect.
I mean it was good but it was too much and I bite off more than I could chew.
But it's not the 1st time that I have one of these sad episodes.
So I am "Okay"

You see, I rather struggle with it myself then to admin to someone I have this stupid problem.
And it is not even stupid, it's important for people to know so they could help me.
But I just felt weak and dumb for letting people help me with my own emotions.

"I am so wrong"

Later that day I went out again with my friends, having fun.
Dancing, drinking and enjoying the company of people I like.
Trying to wash away my episode.

It went well, I know drinking is not a good coping mechanism.
But I was feeling better, happy with my friends.

Until I saw him.
That one person triggered my anxiety issue.
And I had a mini attack.

I was drunk, so it was easy for me to not focus on him or anything at all.
So I was okay. Did not break down at a party. Good job me.

But the next morning, I when up feeling so shit.
And I can't stop thinking, remembering and feeling what he did to me.

With the episode I already have plus getting triggered a mini attack by him.
I cried, feeling stupidly weak.
Drove to my dentist's appointment crying, drove back home crying.
Cry again after cleaning my room.

I felt like shit.
Until I finally felt brave enough to reach out.

I told her
"Yesterday when you ask me if I was okay and I said I was hungover, I wasn't. I'm having one of my depression episode since Friday, it's not that I don't trust you, I just don't want to feel weak or being vitminize"

I didn't even realize I lied about being okay until I thought about it
I am so used to lying about being okay and never reach out for help and now stuck in the mindset of always saying I am okay even when I am not

Even when I clearly need help.
I am so used to being "Strong"

That I forget to be "Weak", forget that people can help me to be "stronger".

Forget that I don't have to struggle alone. forget that there are people around me that are willing to listen to me and help me going through what I am going through.

I told her everything,
From the too much self-reflection to seeing that guy.

And I felt so much better :) knowing someone cares,
knowing she was just waiting for me to open up and come in to help me.
knowing I can trust her, knowing she can trust me back.

I hope after reading this you will feel strong enough to open up to someone.
I am waiting for you to open up to me.
To make us stronger.

Thank you
This friend from the internet will always be with you.