Love; I don't know what is it anymore

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So I have been single for 3 years now.
Since I ended my first relationship, I have never started another one.
So yes I have one ex-boyfriend so far.

My first relationship was pretty toxic.
That was an understatement.
My first relationship was very toxic.

We were young, I got major anxiety and depression issues.
None of us really understands what is going on.
And I am actually glad we broke up.

Credit to 

The first year after the break-up, I was recovering. I tried going into relationships but I still have my toxic pattern and I basically ruin the relationship over and over again.

The 2nd year after the break-up, I am mild healing
I start going into relationships with recognized-behavior, where I understand my pattern and tried to out-pattern them.
But somehow my fear and uncertainty of love gave me commitment issue.

The 3rd year after the break-up (Now, currently) I am healing.
I start getting into relationships with confidence and self-understanding.
But with my on-going issues the past 2 years and being independent.

I don't know what love is anymore.

Currently, I can't remember the feeling of love, how it is like to be in love and what love feels like.

I am at lost

Every boy I tried to date, I just end up blocking them.
I don't know if it's on them or I just can't feel the feeling of love anymore.

Am I just unlucky that I don't meet the boy i like?
Am I just picky? and reject all boys?
Am I incapable of feeling love?

I don't know.
"Don't let the uncertainty kills you"
Right now I am just trying my best to live another day happy.
Focusing more on myself and just go with the flow.

I don't really know what is going to happen in the future whether I will be in a relationship or not.
I don't really know if I will find a person that I can say "Hey I found love"
I don't really know...

But I will just live to see it.
Not all expectations are met to be reached, that is what I believe.
And therefore I will just see how it goes.
With little of an expectation ever, I will seize the day another day.

I hope you feel a little bit better after reading this.
I hope you won't feel lost after reading this.
I hope it gave it a little bit of reassurance.

From this friend on the internet, hoping you better, for all of us.
Love,
Yourself

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